Leaders cannot afford to hold grudges or dislike toward others. While it may
be human to feel dislike toward certain individuals, grudges and dislike waste
our energy. In many cases, resentments between leaders have them using their
people to carry out their grudges. This focuses organizational energy toward
destructive ends rather than toward the organizational mission and vision.
Leaders need to be aware of when they are allowing negative thinking and emotion
to drive their way of being. It is our responsibility as leaders to correct
ourselves so that our impact on others is healthy and uplifting. If you dislike
your colleague or your employee, you will avoid him. You will treat him
differently than those you do like. Your grudge will cause you to adopt
self-protective behaviors. In addition to avoidance, you may find yourself talking
negatively about this person to others, spending mental time adding up his faults,
and plotting how you can get him to behave differently. Your body language and
tone of voice will change when you are with him, signaling your discomfort and
dislike. You will expect negativity from this person, and therefore your
expectations will be met. Moreover, you will, of course, rationalize your
avoidance and mistreatment.
When we dislike someone it is always a temptation to immerse ourselves in the
drama. We tell ourselves a story that emphasizes how right we are and how
wrong the other person is. This kind of negativity is addictive. Like all
addictions, we make ourselves into self-centered victims. We are self-centered in
that we do not see how our grudge-making is detrimental to the success of the
organization. Blaming, negative emotions, and unresolved conflict impede progress
toward organizational goals.
We cannot help that sometimes we will dislike others, but we can help what we
do with that way of thinking. As a leader, you must ask yourself the
question: “Will I devote my full energy to the success of this organization and its
people, or will I distract myself with campaigns against certain others?” You
are not a victim. Leaders can decide to face negative relationships honestly
and resolve them. Resolution comes not from fixing the other person, but from
changing one’s own perception.
What steps can you take to overcome your dislike of another person?
1. First, accept that you dislike him. Admit it to yourself.
2. Take responsibility. You create your reality, not this other person. You
are creating your negative emotion. The other person may very well be doing
negative things; however, that does not excuse you from your responsibility.
3. Take time each day to focus on at least one positive trait about this
person. When we hold grudges, we are focusing on negative traits.
4. Take the opportunity to get to know this person. Have a conversation.
When we dislike and avoid others, we disconnect ourselves from them, and then
most of our information about them comes from our own imagination.
5. Employ your spiritual intelligence. Ask (in prayer, contemplation, or
meditation) that you would see this person truly. In other words, since it is
your perception that is creating your dislike, ask that your perception be
changed.
6. Whether or not you approve of this person’s behaviors, decide that you
will offer him your unconditional positive regard.
7. Ask this person how you can help him. Look for ways to support him and
help him help your organization.
8. If your dislike continues, acknowledge the payoff you are getting from
disliking another. We find a strange kind of “enjoyment” in being
self-righteous, demonizing others, and being better than someone else. These are ego games
that cause us to act in ways contrary to our values, our beliefs, and our
visions. Although people often behave in ways that seemingly deserve our grudge,
do not allow that “justification” to cause you to behave negatively toward
others. Remember who you are, and stay focused on what is the highest good for
all. Your ability to focus your thoughts, emotions and behaviors on what is
highest and best is what makes you a great leader.
9. Live, speak, and act with integrity. Do not violate your integrity with
seemingly justified resentments. “There are no justified resentments.” (Wayne
Dyer, 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace)
Resentments keep you powerless and ineffective. You think you are punishing
someone else by maintaining your grudge, but you are mostly punishing yourself.
Your grudges make you suffer. Living in integrity, and holding uplifting
thoughts toward others makes you feel good. As leaders, we cannot lead by being
disconnected from others. Excellent leaders live in a connected world, seeing
their connection to all people. Leaders must find a way to be comfortable with
everyone. Following these steps will help you to relax with each person. Once
you are relaxed you can interact in a way that is truly helpful.
Once your negative perceptions have less influence over you, you are free to
discern what is really happening. Every situation is different. For some
people, it will be enough that you have changed your perception. You will have
given the other person someone different to respond to. Your ability to respond
and offer respect will be an invitation for the other to do the same. Others may
need compassionate confrontation. Being more relaxed and holding no grudge,
you will confront effectively. You will speak with honesty, not colored by
personal grudges, but tempered by what is best for this individual and the
organization as a whole.
From this positive state of mind, as you interact with this person you can
see the possible person within and speak to that greatness. Great leaders look
at others and see what can be. Speak to this person as if they are already
successful. This comes across not in superficial compliments or pretty
platitudes, but in your tone of voice and way of being.
Leaders offer an environment where others have the opportunity and the
encouragement to succeed. Leaders are committed to the highest good for the
organization and for each individual good. Leaders live and act with integrity,
treating all people with care and respect. And leaders strive to know within
themselves that their presence consistently makes a positive difference. Can we
afford anything less?
William Frank Diedrich is a speaker, coach, and the author of three books
including “The Road Home: The Journey Beyond the Spiritual Quick Fix.” To
contact William or to learn more about his work, visit www.transformativepress.com
or www.noblaming.com
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